Note: A pattern is beginning to emerge concerning Germans, lizards, and New Zealand.

MEXICO CITY–A Mexican man was arrested upon arrival in Mexico City after flying from Lima, Peru with 18 titi monkeys strapped around his waist. While the monkeys traveled in his luggage, Roberto Sol Cabrera placed the endangered monkeys into socks that fit into a waist girdle “to protect them from X-rays,” though two of the monkeys did not survive the journey, sadly.  Police said Mr. Sol Cabrera behaved “nervously” when questioned at customs. (7/20/2010, BBC News)

NEW ZEALAND–A German man, Hans Kurt Kubus, 58, was caught attempting to smuggle 44 lizards out of New Zealand, and will now face roughly three months in jail and pay a $5,000 fine, according to the BBC. Apparently, the man sewed pouches into his underwear for the express purpose of smuggling the reptiles…

[T]the reptiles, a mix of geckos and skinks, are endangered species and protected by New Zealand law. The BBC reports that the lizards are profitable as well, selling for as much as $2,000. For his part, Kubus pleaded guilty and said the lizards were for his personal collection, not for sale. (1/27/2010, Today in Travel blog)

LOS ANGELES–A man was charged Tuesday with smuggling songbirds into the United States by hiding more than a dozen of them in an elaborate, custom-tailored pair of leggings during a flight from Vietnam to Los Angeles. Sony Dong, 46, was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport in March after an inspector spotted bird feathers and droppings on his socks and tail feathers peeking out from under his pants, prosecutors said. “He had fashioned these special cloth devices to hold the birds,” said U.S. attorney spokesman Thom Mrozek. “They were secured by cloth wrappings and attached to his calves with buttons.” (5/7/2009, Times Wires)

SYDNEY– An Australian man was caught with two pigeons hidden in his pants on an international flight from Dubai to Melbourne, Australia. The 23-year-old man was searched after authorities discovered two eggs in a vitamin container in his luggage, said Richard Janeczko, national investigations manager for the Customs Service.

They found the pigeons wrapped in padded envelopes and held to each of the man’s legs with a pair of tights, according to a statement released by the agency. Officials also seized seeds in his money belt and an undeclared eggplant. (2/3/2009, AP)

SWEETWATER, Tenn. – A woman has been charged with possession of burglary tools after police said a crowbar slipped out of her pants as she was lurking around a church. (AP, 1/28/08)

LOS ANGELES — When the rare birds of paradise escaped from his suitcase and flew over the heads of U.S. Customs Agents at Los Angeles International Airport, Robert Cusack decided it was best to confess that, yes, he did have more to declare.

“I have monkeys in my pants,” Cusack told the agents. (Court TV, 9/19/06)

SYDNEY, Australia—A Sydney man has been charged under the country’s biodiversity conservation law after allegedly trying to smuggle parrot eggs out of Australia in his underpants. (ENS, 11/15/2004)

LOS ANGELES—The two men couldn’t wiggle out of this one–not when customs agents found snakes writhing in their pantyhose. (L.A. Times, 9/16/97)

BAYONNE, N.J.–Ace Hardware Store employees at 915 Broadway saw John Pasuco, 41, of Broadway, stuffing about $130 worth of paint brushes into the front of his pants, police said. (nj.com, 11/19/03)

LANSING, Mich – A woman stole a boa constrictor from a pet store by slipping the snake down her pants, the owner said. The animal was stolen Thursday afternoon from Preuss Animal House in Lansing.

“I am far less concerned for the person than for the snake,” owner Rick Preuss said. The 20-inch snake was worth $174.

Jayzun Boget, assistant manager of Preuss’ reptile department, called the heist “audacious.” (AP, 4/7/08)

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla.–William Napoli was almost in the clear with his purloined strip loins but the bulge in his pants did him in, authorities say. (St. Petersburg Times, 6/17/08)

SAN DIEGO – A San Diego man accused of poaching lobsters allegedly was caught with six of the creatures stuffed down his pants.

Thirty-three-year-old Binh Quang Chau, who has been cited four times for poaching, allegedly took the lobsters from the La Jolla State Marine Conservation Area.

Department of Fish and Game warden Daryl Simmons says wardens arrested Chau when they noticed “odd bulges” in his pants. All six of the newspaper-wrapped lobsters were still alive and were returned to the ocean. (AP, 10/11/08)

SAN LEANDRO, Ca.–The younger of two brothers who survived a Christmas Day tiger attack at the San Francisco Zoo has pleaded no contest to grand theft for allegedly shoplifting video game equipment from Target stores in the East Bay, authorities said today…

Dhaliwal was arrested March 27 by San Leandro police after a security guard at the Target at the Bayfair Center mall on East 14th Street saw him hiding two Nintendo Wii controllers in his pants, police Lt. Tom Overton said. (San Francisco Chronicle, 11/14/2008)

NEW ZEALAND–A German reptile collector has been fined US$5,300 for attempting to smuggle lizards out of New Zealand in his pants.   Customs intercepted Jorg Kreutz, 38, trying to leave the country with two green geckos in his underwear, according to Customs Minister Phillida Bunkle. (BBC News, 2/2/2001)

LAFAYETTE, Ind. (WLFI) – A Lafayette man, Joshua Parrish, received his sentence for possessing pain killers and trying to leave a grocery store with a frozen pizza in his pants.

Parrish pleaded guilty to two counts of possession of a controlled substance and one count of theft. A judge sentenced Parrish to time served at the Tippecanoe County jail and community corrections.

Prosecutor Pat Harrington said officers found 24 pills in Parrish’s pocket that he did not have prescriptions for. He said Parrish was arrested when security at Pay Less Grocery Store witnessed Parrish stuffing a frozen pizza down his pants.

Uber-boomers–the very brightest twinkles in the eye of World War II–are beginning to retire, collect SS as well as Actual Health Benefits (as opposed to spending so much  money on private health insurance that you can’t afford doctor visits), and, well, die.  This process won’t be pretty and, for most of us, it won’t be quick, and millions of us will (despite our firm belief that of course we’ll jump off a bridge first) end up in nursing  homes.   These places will be called something else, but they’ll be nursing homes, and regardless of changes in medical technology there will be certain constants.  The most haunting of these is, to me, the music we are going to have no choice in hearing.

It won’t be Stephen Foster songs. It won’t be Glenn Miller.  It will be…what?  What is your worst-case most-often-played future nursing home music?

I’ll go first.

“Hotel California.”  I’m sure of this.

You may also nominate a best-case.  “A Shot Away” would be lovely.

Go to it.

“The entire show was basically a puzzle which led back to Red John, who was trying to track down former CBI head Madeleine Hightower, who was on the lamb after being falsely accused of murdering a suspect in CBI custody.”

http://www.wral.com/entertainment/blogpost/9639299/

1. You’re passing by a closed door and hear your name mentioned.  People in the next room are apparently talking about you.  Group A: You stop and listen.  Group B: You walk away quickly to avoid hearing anything.

I look forward to additions.  Also arguments and discussions of what it means to belong to one of the groups.

From JustKristin:

2.  People who, when traveling near the edge of a cliff, worry about whether they’ll fall, and those who worry instead about whether they’ll jump.

3. People who see themselves, primarily, as a life or a soul which animates a body, and those who see themselves as bodies which contain a life/soul.

Question (from me): What about people who don’t see themselves at all, or people who, when they find themselves next to a steep dropoff, don’t worry about anything? Still, I guess these work  provided we think of them as responses to a poll question (i.e., “When driving next to a cliff, if you found yourself worrying, would you be worrying about…?”).  Right?

4. People who leave the thin plastic films on the face plates of electronics and such as a prophylactic measure, and those who cannot wait to peel them off.

5. People who organize their books or other media (alpha, genre, etc.) and those who prefer to let things organize themselves.

From Morgan Macgregor:

6. People who walk into a room and immediately turn on the television, and people who walk into a room and immediately turn it off.

Adam and Eve and Pinch Me, by A.E. Coppard

Captain Murderer, by Charles Dickens

The Storyteller, by H.H. Munro

Original                              Microsoft Word Improvement

CARROLLIAN                     CAROLINA, CARROLL  IAN

UNCELEBRATION            ACCELERATION

PUCKISH                              PECKISH

CRUMPACKERS                 CRUMP ACKERS

KRONKHEIT                       CONCEIT, CRUNCHIEST, CRUNCHIER

MEDEVACED                      MEDICATED, MEDI ACED, BEDEVILED

BABA YAGA                        BABA YOGA, BABA YOGI

JOHN DOS PASSOS            JOHN DOS PESOS, JOHN DOS LASSOS

GOOGLING                            GO OGLING, GOODLING, GOUGING, GOSLING

MAMMO                                MAMMA, MAMBO, MEMO, AMMO, MAMMY

GRABOW                               GABO, GABON, GRABBED, GABOR, GREBE, GARBED

HAS-BEENS                           HAS-BEANS,  HAS-BEES,  HAS-BENZ  

DICTABELTS                         DISABLERS 

DEUS                                         DUES

TIPARILLOS                          TOMATILLOS

BOMBECK                                BUYBACK, BOMBAST, BLOWBACK, COMEBACK

GONNA                                     GONAD

TAUTOG                                   TAUTER, TUTOR, AUTO, TATTOO, TUTU

MOUSING                                MUSING, HOUSING, LOUSING, MUSSING

QANUN                                    QUANTUM, CANCUN

TA-DA                                      TA-DAB, TA-DAD, TA-DAP, TA-DO

PANTLOAD                           PLANELOAD

GODOT                                    GODBOUT, GOODY, GOO, GOOF

UNLURED                              UNCURED, UNLOOSED, UNLADED

UNCURTAINED                  UNCONTAINED

MOJITOS                               MONITORS, BONITOS

MOQUECA                             MOONQUAKE, MOSQUES, TOQUES

HAPPY-SLAPPY                 HAPPY-SLOPPY, HAPPY-SAPPY, HAPPY-SOAPY

WALKIES                              ALKIES, TALKIES, WALKERS

REDUX                                   REDUB, REDO, REDBUD, RADIO

GUILTING                            QUILTING, GULPING

SLICE-O-MATICS               SLICE-O-METRICS, SLICE-O-MATES

ONG-ONG-ONG                   ONE-ON-ONE

CROATOAN                         CROATIAN

UNCHASTENED                 UNCHASTE NED

RUGGLES                             BUGLES, WRIGGLES, DRUGLESS

ABRUPTED                          ABDUCTED

RETITLED                            RATTLED

LIT-FIC                                 LIT-FIX, LIT-FIB

THESSALONIKI, Greece — It took an undercover operation, but Greek police have blown a hole in a ring of alleged crooks who had cornered the doughnut market in a beach resort.

It started with complaints that two Bulgarian men and a former Greek wrestling champion were using violence to choke off the trade by other doughnut vendors on Paliouri beach in the Halkidiki peninsula near Thessaloniki.

So an undercover officer posed as a doughnut seller, police said Tuesday, and he was attacked, leading to the arrest of the three aggressive doughnut sellers.

As a result, they have been charged with blackmail and fraud. They also were charged with food safety violations after police found they had stashed their product in an abandoned hotel that was open to the elements and used by bathers as a toilet.  –Associated Press, 08.24.11, 08:37 AM EDT 

Butts waives hearing in Boob murder case

If this is a prank (the Centre Daily Times is the paper of record of State College, Pa.), I’m going to be really annoyed.   The Comments section is particularly riveting, with one heroic soul trying to convince the rest of us that some things just aren’t funny.

Man with dead weasel accused of assault

HOQUIAM, Wash. – Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into an apartment and assaulted a man in Washington state.

The victim asked, “Why are you carrying a weasel?” Police said the attacker answered, “It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten,” then punched him in the nose and fled.

The attacker was apparently looking for his girlfriend and had gone to her former boyfriend’s apartment Monday where the victim was a guest.

KXRO reports he left the carcass behind.

Police later found the 33-year-old Hoquiam man arguing with his girlfriend at another location and arrested him after a fight.

He said he had found the marten dead near Hoquiam, but police don’t know why he carried it with him.

A marten is a member of the weasel family.

Also:

Punch To Nose After Dead Weasel Question

Dead weasel at centre of alleged assault

Police: Assault suspect mistook marten for mink

What obscure body part are you?